Plan DD: The Morning After Rachael

Office Terrorism

Fri, 24 May 2013 12:16:00 -0500

I know, I know…the economy is bad and I should be thankful to have a job right now, blah blah blah. But I digress.

Today, 5/24/13, at approximately 11:24am my lunch was stolen out of the work refrigerator. Being that my name was on it and that I am the only Rachael in this office, I must conclude that this act of theft was deliberate, however the intentions (as well as the perpetrator) are still unknown. Perhaps after surveying the contents of the fridge my meal was the most appetizing option. Or was it that this person hates me and wants to see me starve? Obviously for dramatics I am going with the latter.

To add insult to injury, after discovering that I was left lunch-less today I found what I believe to be the remains of that lunch floating in the commode. I am 97% sure that these two incidents are related or I live in fear that there is more than one psychopathic office maniac running rampant through these halls.

This leaves me to wonder….with all of the pointless bullshit questions that our employers are asking us in interviews like:

1)Are you proficient in Microsoft Excel?
2)Why did you leave your last job?
3)What would a former employer say about you as an employee?

why are they failing to ask the important questions like:

1) Are you proficient in Toilet flushing?
and
2) Do you consider the food in the office kitchen to be public property?

Because let’s be honest…who really gives a fuck if you can insert numbers into a spreadsheet if you can’t properly export your bodily functions.

If this job paid better I would totally hire a PI to investigate so I could publicly shame this person. Hell, who am I kidding? If this job paid better I would go buy another lunch.

Mother F*ers

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:29:21 -0500

http://nolavie.com/2013/05/mothers-day-and-thoughts-about-respect-24994.html

Lets All Stop Pretending We Don't Hate Jazz Fest

Wed, 08 May 2013 11:29:46 -0500

Let’s All Stop Pretending We Don’t Hate Jazz Fest

I am notorious for saying the things that most people would never say but are definitely thinking. So here goes nothing…

Just like we (never me, just you) lie to new parents and tell them how cute their new baby is, or to our significant other when they try to impress us with their skills in the kitchen when they don’t have any, we lie about loving Jazz Fest. Sure we love the music. We love the food. But we can find all that food, and most of that music, elsewhere. Everything else about it kind of sucks and you know that I know that you know it.

The weather sucks. It’s too hot. If it’s not too hot, it’s too cold. It smells…and I’m not even talking about the horse manure, but the body odor. It goes on too long, the stages are too far apart, and it’s too expensive. Parking is a nightmare, cell phone signals are non-existent, and who would ever choose to use a port-o-pot? It’s nearly impossible to find any of your friends if you get separated yet you can’t stop running into these people:

The “You’re kicking mud on my kids” lady
first off, I didn’t ask you to have kids, nor did I ask you to bring said kids to Jazz Fest. I didn’t tell you it would be a good idea to have those kids laying on a tarp in a pit of mud either. I am very sorry I accidentally kicked mud on your kids when I was trying so hard to kick it on you.

The “stop pushing me” girl
if you were trying to see Fleetwood Mac on Saturday I know you met this girl. This girl turns around every few minutes to demand you stop pushing her….because clearly in a crowd of thousands and thousands of people in a shoulder to shoulder standstill she is the only person getting pushed and you are solely responsible.

The Super fan
the super fan thinks that if you don’t know every single word to every single song like they do, they have the right to get in front of you even though you had been holding down your spot for 4 hours before they even got there. If the super fan is under the age of 15 and Adam Levine is performing, tears will be shed as she tells everyone in earshot how she is going through exactly what the songs are about. You know, her slew of tumultuous relationships.

and

The Volunteer who is taking their job way too seriously
You know you only did this for the free admission so please don’t tell me what I can and cannot do. If I’ve never listened to my parents or the police, your yellow t-shirt isn’t going to get me to listen to you.

So why do we put ourselves through this? Because people come from all over the world to attend something that is in our backyard. Because people will look at you funny if you say you weren’t there. Because if you are a writer/photographer/etc. you will be missing out on great material. Because about a week after it’s over, when your blisters and sunburn have healed and you have gotten the correct amount of sleep you forget all the things you hated about it. Because what else do you have better to do? Cya guys all next year at the Fairgrounds…only 354 days to go!

Let's All Stop Pretending We Don't Hate Jazz Fest

Wed, 08 May 2013 11:05:51 -0500

I am notorious for saying the things that most people would never say but are definitely thinking. So here goes nothing…

and

Thirty things to do before Thirty

Tue, 07 May 2013 09:09:15 -0500

http://nolavie.com/2013/05/30-things-to-do-before-you-turn-30-67283.html

A Festival For The Rest Of Y'all

Fri, 03 May 2013 09:09:00 -0500

http://nolavie.com/2013/05/a-festival-for-the-rest-of-yall-17472.html

Everybody plays the fool (sometimes)

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 16:09:48 -0500

Ive said it before and I’ll say it again…April Fool’s day is for amateurs. I make a fool of people on a daily basis, therefore I usually take this day off from my mischief and trickery. I realized this year however that it is a bigger accomplishment to fool somebody on the day that they should be most wary of lies, tricks, and pranks. It’s been awhile since I have really sent my mother into a full blown breakdown so I decided to take advantage of the holiday and pulling one over on one of my most favorite targets.

My sister has been having some undiagnosed facial swelling, which according to my medical expertise is probably just an allergic reaction. Lucky for me (not so much her) she had another “episode” today causing her to go to the dr. Of course my mother was extremely worried because that’s what she does, worry… about everything. She asked me if I knew anything about the situation and in my best academy award winning performance I told her that apparently my sister has a very rare neurological disease causing the facial swelling….the good news is other than the unfortunate physical presence of the disease she is otherwise fine…the bad news is there is a 75% chance that her face will remain like this permanently.

If you know my mom you know that this would be much more terrifying than an unplanned pregnancy, divorce, or god forbid, a serious medical ailment.

I only wish I could have captured my mothers face when she heard this because I am sure it was much scarier looking than my sisters.

Shes slightly upset with me right now, which I don’t really understand. She paid a lot of money for me to take acting classes as a kid so you would think she would be happy to have gotten her monies worth.

Sorry mom, but the good news is I am granting you immunity…at least until next year!

Hurry!

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 15:47:00 -0500

Theres the atkins diet, the south beach diet, the caveman diet, the cabbage soup diet, the gluten free diet, etc.

Theres expensive supplements/vitamins/pills you can take like raspberry ketones, green coffee beans, human growth hormone, etc.

There are expensive procedures like tummy tucks and lipsocution.

There is yoga, cross fit, pilates, P90x, running, weight lifting, etc. etc. etc.

Everyone says that their diet/exercise plan is THE plan that works. Well I found the plan that really works (and this is no April Fool’s joke) and will cost you only a few dollars at your nearest grocer. Curry! (which I plan on renaming Hurry because it always leaves you in one)

Obviously curry comes in varying degrees of spiciness, so the spicier the better (unless were talking about your butthole and then much much worse). You wont need to join a gym or hire a personal trainer because you will be doing more than enough running all on your own…..straight to the bathroom.

Brain burn

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 15:48:56 -0500

Apparently there was a firewall on my work computer blocking me from viewing some unauthorized sites (not porn you freaks). Being the most technologically challenged person I know, I had to look up what a firewall was. In case you are also operating on limited brain cells, it is ”any barrier that is intended to thwart the spread of a destructive agent”. I started to realize it was also likely that there was a firewall in my brain, in which case the destructive agent needing to be blocked would be important information. Useless information about reality tv, designer clothes/shoes, celebrity gossip, and fun hipster music always find their way through.The only known solution is vyvanse, which in my case is like pouring gasoline on the fire and screaming “we dont want no water let that mother f’er burn”! (I love The Bloodhound Gang).

In any case, ADHD is just a nice way of saying you are pretty cute for a retard, and I am ok with that. It beats the alternative, which is that I have the mentally transmitted disease of neuroherpatitis, aka brain herpes. It definitely burns when I try to think and I have been reckless in my youth by engaging in a lot of unprotected mind fucking…. with various partners….sometimes at the same time.

When someone says they are going to “blow your mind” be careful…they might actually set that shit on fire!

Whiz or whiz out...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 11:35:40 -0500

The only thing more delicious than Liberty’s authentic Philly cheese steaks, is the owner himself. Although there are only a handful of items on the menu, ordering can be challenging while admiring his rugged good looks.

Having lived in Philly I decided long ago I would never eat a cheesesteak anywhere else. Every place claims to be “real” but anyone who knows a real cheese steak knows that it a) MUST be on an Amoroso roll and b) MUST have whiz. Provolone and American should not even be in your vocabulary.

When I heard a new place opened just a few blocks from me and the owners were actually from Philly I was excited but didn’t want to get my hopes up too high because I have been let down too many times. Would they have Amoroso’s or would they try and pass off the most delicious of sandwiches on a po’ boy? Would their steak be cut in perfectly sized peices, and would their cheese of choice be whiz? Yes, yes, and yes!!! (which is also hopefully what said owner will hear me screaming later).

Unfortunately I can’t have cheese steaks anymore thanks to my good old pal Celiac…but I can have the proprietor of steaks..and I will take him whiz or whiz out.

Check Engine Soon

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 10:31:27 -0500

While I appreciate the little messages my car leaves me, I wish it would be just a little more clear….I mean what kinda soon are we talkin about here????

Theres I’ll be home soon (I’m drunk, you’ll be lucky if I make it home at all)
I’ll be 30 soon (2 months)
I need a vacation soon (NOW)
I’ll call you soon (probably never)
I’ll be ready soon (at least 30 more minutes)
Soon I’ll be turning into my mother (already happening)
and if you keep these mixed messages up I will be getting a new car soon (whenever I can afford it).

What kinda soon are we talkin about here? and what exactly am I checking for??

This is just a test....

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 14:22:56 -0500

This is only a test. This is a test of the facebook changing their layout and where will my blog display on my page emergency blogging system. This is only a test.

The Best Stuff on Earth...

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 12:30:39 -0600

I guess you could say I fell for Howard as a little girl… sneaking out of my bed late at night to watch his show on E! He was so obnoxious, so raunchy, so…nasal….he was just like me! Mostly everything I learned about sex and insulting people (two things I am awesome at by the way) I learned from him.

While most little girls my age were dreaming of teen heartthrob Joey (Lawrence or McEntire) I was dreaming of one day meeting the big nose/big haired beauty (we are practically twins!) known as Howard Stern.

As I grew up so did my love for Howard. I started my own radio show fashioned off his unique style, and dubbed myself “the female Howard Stern”. I knew one day we would collaborate and it would be magical.

I guess you could say I fell for Howard again last night…this time in a much more literal sense. When I got the opportunity to go to the live auditions of America’s Got Talent I knew my time had come. It was a last minute thing so I wasn’t signed up to audition, but being a girl who is used to being center stage I knew some how, some way he would notice me. Then I could share with him all my brilliant ideas for his show. We could start out with me being a guest and then once he realized how big my boobs are ( I mean how hilarious I am) I would be taking over Artie’s seat in NO time.

I brought with me some of my material and attached a note, saying “Here are some ideas I have for your show…let’s discuss. Call me! Maybe??” and signing it “the female Howard Stern” with every reasonable (and not so reasonable) way of contacting me. Now I just had to get it to him…

I am no stranger to a good sneak in. I have crashed the occasional wedding and I have snuck backstage at concerts and shows to see some of my favorite musicians/comedians in the flesh. I knew what I was doing.

We casually strolled by the entrance to the green room and were greeted by a lovely security guard who offered us a Snapple before I could even try and convince him to let us in. Who doesn’t want a free Snapple? It’s the best stuff on Earth, right? Clutching my free libation I batted my famously long eyelashes and sweetly asked him for admission. “I’m not a crazed fan, I swear! I’m a comedian! Howard wants to see me, I promise!” He assured me that if Howard was still in there he would have let me in but he was already walking out to his SUV and if I hurried I could catch him.

The last (and only) time I ran that fast I was definitely running from the police. Not sure if it was my excitement or just my overall clumsiness, but barely a few feet from where I started I went down faster than Monica Lewinsky under a desk.

I could have walked away virtually unscathed had the bottle not shattered beneath me leaving glass shards protruding from every appendage. A bloody mess, and still clutching on to hope, I demanded that someone take my note to Howard. I was down but I was not out! Long story short my note was on its way to my bestie…and covered in blood, to boot! Good thing the note wasn’t intended for Howie Mandel or the story could have ended there.

Snapple Cap Real Fact #149
Don’t run with scissors…or Snapple bottles

The moral of this story is be careful when chasing your dreams…you may just end up chasing pavements.

***Neither Snapple or Howard Stern have been able to be reached for comment at this time.

Keep Calm and Rape Me

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 16:12:46 -0600

I know to the naked eye this just looks like a text message I sent on a Friday night to like 8 (?) different guys….but its actually a t-shirt being sold on Amazon.

Girls: Didn’t you learn anything in college? The only way you are getting raped while wearing a t-shirt is if it has Greek letters on it….and if you are trying to get raped there are more subtle and more efficient ways of broadcasting it…get wasted, dress like a whore, and walk around alone at night in front of registered sex offenders houses.

This shirt has since been removed from the site along with other similar shirts including, Keep Calm and Knife Her. I do not condone rape (contrary to the popular opinion of several local anti-rape groups) but if someone is wearing this shirt and happens to get raped, is it then PC to say “they asked for it”???

Viva Mexico!!

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 15:56:01 -0600

I love New Orleans, but too often I feel like I live in Mexico. Both places are ungodly hot. Both are dirty. Both have a ton of Mexicans who don’t speak English and trashy white tourists getting sloppy drunk. Both have high crime rates, are famous for their food, and have strong Catholic influences. They saying when you go to Mexico is “don’t drink the water”, and that should be what they are saying in New Orleans too. It seems like more often than not we are on a water boil advisory (the most current lasting for 30+ hours) but even when were not, we all know that shit aint safe….which is why we are always drinking hand grenades, hurricanes, daiquiris, etc. instead! I just wish that the Sewage and Water Board would take a hint from their friends at Entergy and just shut the shit off indefinitely…at least then when the prescription delivery service steals my Vyvanse (true fucking story) I would remember not to brush my teeth in muddy water. FML.

We Saw Your Boobs

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 15:26:26 -0600

I don’t understand why a bunch of celebrities who got paid a shitload of money to show off their boobs, are bitching when someone says “we saw your boobs”. Everyone has seen my boobs and I never got a dime….although I have gotten plenty of free drinks and dinners so I guess that sort of counts….and I don’t complain when I get a little free advertising either, not that I need it.

The people that are doing the most bitching are the people who’s boobs noone wants to see….Jane Fonda and Lena Dunham, case and point. Everyone has seen Lena Dunhams boobs and noone wants to. Its like Katrina footage…it was never pretty, you feel sick everytime you think about it, and its been aired more times than ‘Friends’ in syndication.

PS Seth MacFarland, you can see my boobs anytime…call me, maybe?

Jesus Doesn't love you...

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 15:19:22 -0600

Facebook Super Powers

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 13:22:20 -0600

Who knew when you were a kid choosing invisibility as your prefered “super power” that years later facebook could make your dreams come true. The all powerful block button makes it appear as though you never even existed…and quite frankly, I’m not complaining…I can live without any of the dumb shit you post anyway. By going ghost on me you’re really just missing out on all the witty things I say (which may or may not be about you) so you are probably just punishing yourself.

If I had a superpower I would be a human eraser….its way more original and awesome. Fuck invisibility, I could make you gone for good….Mark Zuckerberg I’m waiting….

Fashion Police

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 12:55:38 -0600

I don’t know who gave Kelly Osbourne and Joan Rivers their badges, but I am more than just a little uncomfortable taking fashion advice from Lena Dunham’s purple haired doppleganger and anyone who would choose to do all that craziness to their own face. Joan is void of any style, dressing like Fran Drescher’s Yetta (the Nanny) and every other Jewish woman over the age of 75. Regardless of what goes down tonight on E! (sometimes Giuliana and George come in for the save) here are the best and the worst from last nights Oscars.

Best: Naomi Watts, Halle Berry, Lianne Spiderbaby, Jennifer Hudson, Amy Adams, and Olivia Munn

Honorable Mentions: K. Stewarts dress without her in it
Brandi Glanvilles dress without her in it

Worst: Zoe Saldana, Salma Hayek, Anne Hathaway, Tabatha Coffey (why was she even there???) and Melissa McCarthy

Honorable Mention: that little cunt from “Beasts of the Southern Wild” and her pillow pet purse

I want candy!

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 11:12:17 -0600

The song (I want candy) has been in my head since I marched in a Mardi Gras parade two weeks ago with the Candy Girls, who played the song on repeat every 15 minutes.

Now I actually want candy…or at least, I should say, to know what to do with it. After reading this headline

Jodi Arias’ diary read out to prove she ‘lied about using Pop Rocks and Tootsie Pops during sex with her boyfriend’ as prosecutor aggressively question her during cross examination at her trial for killing him

I obviously had to read the full story. Not because I cared at all about how/why/or if she killed him but because I had to know how pop rocks and tootsie pops were being used during sex. After accidentally opening my nerdy neighbors mail and finding nipple and clit suckers (as well as a vibrating tongue) I realized there is a whole world out there I know nothing about. Most of these things I don’t want to know about…but I have always had a sweet tooth. I am sure you can imagine my disappointment when the story didn’t elaborate on usage or at least offer a courtroom sketch.

If you are actually interested in the boring details of the shooting and stabbing read here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2282463/Jodi-Arias-diary-read-prove-lied-using-Pop-Rocks-Tootsie-Pops-sex-boyfriend-prosecutor-aggressively-question-cross-examination-trial-killing-him.html