Plan DD: The Morning After Rachael

Office Terrorism

I know, I know…the economy is bad and I should be thankful to have a job right now, blah blah blah. But I digress.

Today, 5/24/13, at approximately 11:24am my lunch was stolen out of the work refrigerator. Being that my name was on it and that I am the only Rachael in this office, I must conclude that this act of theft was deliberate, however the intentions (as well as the perpetrator) are still unknown. Perhaps after surveying the contents of the fridge my meal was the most appetizing option. Or was it that this person hates me and wants to see me starve? Obviously for dramatics I am going with the latter.

To add insult to injury, after discovering that I was left lunch-less today I found what I believe to be the remains of that lunch floating in the commode. I am 97% sure that these two incidents are related or I live in fear that there is more than one psychopathic office maniac running rampant through these halls.

This leaves me to wonder….with all of the pointless bullshit questions that our employers are asking us in interviews like:

1)Are you proficient in Microsoft Excel?
2)Why did you leave your last job?
3)What would a former employer say about you as an employee?

why are they failing to ask the important questions like:

1) Are you proficient in Toilet flushing?
and
2) Do you consider the food in the office kitchen to be public property?

Because let’s be honest…who really gives a fuck if you can insert numbers into a spreadsheet if you can’t properly export your bodily functions.

If this job paid better I would totally hire a PI to investigate so I could publicly shame this person. Hell, who am I kidding? If this job paid better I would go buy another lunch.

Lets All Stop Pretending We Don’t Hate Jazz Fest

Let’s All Stop Pretending We Don’t Hate Jazz Fest

I am notorious for saying the things that most people would never say but are definitely thinking. So here goes nothing…

Just like we (never me, just you) lie to new parents and tell them how cute their new baby is, or to our significant other when they try to impress us with their skills in the kitchen when they don’t have any, we lie about loving Jazz Fest. Sure we love the music. We love the food. But we can find all that food, and most of that music, elsewhere. Everything else about it kind of sucks and you know that I know that you know it.

The weather sucks. It’s too hot. If it’s not too hot, it’s too cold. It smells…and I’m not even talking about the horse manure, but the body odor. It goes on too long, the stages are too far apart, and it’s too expensive. Parking is a nightmare, cell phone signals are non-existent, and who would ever choose to use a port-o-pot? It’s nearly impossible to find any of your friends if you get separated yet you can’t stop running into these people:

The “You’re kicking mud on my kids” lady
first off, I didn’t ask you to have kids, nor did I ask you to bring said kids to Jazz Fest. I didn’t tell you it would be a good idea to have those kids laying on a tarp in a pit of mud either. I am very sorry I accidentally kicked mud on your kids when I was trying so hard to kick it on you.

The “stop pushing me” girl
if you were trying to see Fleetwood Mac on Saturday I know you met this girl. This girl turns around every few minutes to demand you stop pushing her….because clearly in a crowd of thousands and thousands of people in a shoulder to shoulder standstill she is the only person getting pushed and you are solely responsible.

The Super fan
the super fan thinks that if you don’t know every single word to every single song like they do, they have the right to get in front of you even though you had been holding down your spot for 4 hours before they even got there. If the super fan is under the age of 15 and Adam Levine is performing, tears will be shed as she tells everyone in earshot how she is going through exactly what the songs are about. You know, her slew of tumultuous relationships.

and

 The Volunteer who is taking their job way too seriously
You know you only did this for the free admission so please don’t tell me what I can and cannot do. If I’ve never listened to my parents or the police, your yellow t-shirt isn’t going to get me to listen to you.

So why do we put ourselves through this? Because people come from all over the world to attend something that is in our backyard. Because people will look at you funny if you say you weren’t there. Because if you are a writer/photographer/etc. you will be missing out on great material. Because about a week after it’s over, when your blisters and sunburn have healed and you have gotten the correct amount of sleep you forget all the things you hated about it.  Because what else do you have better to do? Cya guys all next year at the Fairgrounds…only 354 days to go!

Let’s All Stop Pretending We Don’t Hate Jazz Fest

I am notorious for saying the things that most people would never say but are definitely thinking. So here goes nothing…

Just like we (never me, just you) lie to new parents and tell them how cute their new baby is, or to our significant other when they try to impress us with their skills in the kitchen when they don’t have any, we lie about loving Jazz Fest. Sure we love the music. We love the food. But we can find all that food, and most of that music, elsewhere. Everything else about it kind of sucks and you know that I know that you know it.

The weather sucks. It’s too hot. If it’s not too hot, it’s too cold. It smells…and I’m not even talking about the horse manure, but the body odor. It goes on too long, the stages are too far apart, and it’s too expensive. Parking is a nightmare, cell phone signals are non-existent, and who would ever choose to use a port-o-pot? It’s nearly impossible to find any of your friends if you get separated yet you can’t stop running into these people:

The “You’re kicking mud on my kids” lady
first off, I didn’t ask you to have kids, nor did I ask you to bring said kids to Jazz Fest. I didn’t tell you it would be a good idea to have those kids laying on a tarp in a pit of mud either. I am very sorry I accidentally kicked mud on your kids when I was trying so hard to kick it on you.

The “stop pushing me” girl
if you were trying to see Fleetwood Mac on Saturday I know you met this girl. This girl turns around every few minutes to demand you stop pushing her….because clearly in a crowd of thousands and thousands of people in a shoulder to shoulder standstill she is the only person getting pushed and you are solely responsible.

The Super fan
the super fan thinks that if you don’t know every single word to every single song like they do, they have the right to get in front of you even though you had been holding down your spot for 4 hours before they even got there. If the super fan is under the age of 15 and Adam Levine is performing, tears will be shed as she tells everyone in earshot how she is going through exactly what the songs are about. You know, her slew of tumultuous relationships.

and

 The Volunteer who is taking their job way too seriously
You know you only did this for the free admission so please don’t tell me what I can and cannot do. If I’ve never listened to my parents or the police, your yellow t-shirt isn’t going to get me to listen to you.

So why do we put ourselves through this? Because people come from all over the world to attend something that is in our backyard. Because people will look at you funny if you say you weren’t there. Because if you are a writer/photographer/etc. you will be missing out on great material. Because about a week after it’s over, when your blisters and sunburn have healed and you have gotten the correct amount of sleep you forget all the things you hated about it.  Because what else do you have better to do? Cya guys all next year at the Fairgrounds…only 354 days to go!

Everybody plays the fool (sometimes)

Ive said it before and I’ll say it again…April Fool’s day is for amateurs. I make a fool of people on a daily basis, therefore I usually take this day off from my mischief and trickery. I realized this year however that it is a bigger accomplishment to fool somebody on the day that they should be most wary of lies, tricks, and pranks. It’s been awhile since I have really sent my mother into a full blown breakdown so I decided to take advantage of the holiday and pulling one over on one of my most favorite targets.

My sister has been having some undiagnosed facial swelling, which according to my medical expertise is probably just an allergic reaction. Lucky for me (not so much her) she had another “episode” today causing her to go to the dr. Of course my mother was extremely worried because that’s what she does, worry… about everything.  She asked me if I knew anything about the situation and in my best academy award winning performance I told her that apparently my sister has a very rare neurological disease causing the facial swelling….the good news is other than the unfortunate physical presence of the disease she is otherwise fine…the bad news is there is a 75% chance that her face will remain like this permanently.

If you know my mom you know that this would be much more terrifying than an unplanned pregnancy, divorce, or god forbid, a serious medical ailment.

I only wish I could have captured my mothers face when she heard this because I am sure it was much scarier looking than my sisters. 

Shes slightly upset with me right now, which I don’t really understand. She paid a lot of money for me to take acting classes as a kid so you would think she would be happy to have gotten her monies worth.

Sorry mom, but the good news is I am granting you immunity…at least until next year!

Hurry!

Theres the atkins diet, the south beach diet, the caveman diet, the cabbage soup diet, the gluten free diet, etc.

Theres expensive supplements/vitamins/pills you can take like raspberry ketones, green coffee beans, human growth hormone, etc.

There are expensive procedures like tummy tucks and lipsocution.

There is yoga, cross fit, pilates, P90x, running, weight lifting, etc. etc. etc.

Everyone says that their diet/exercise plan is THE plan that works. Well I found the plan that really works (and this is no April Fool’s joke) and will cost you only a few dollars at your nearest grocer. Curry! (which I plan on renaming Hurry because it always leaves you in one)

Obviously curry comes in varying degrees of spiciness, so the spicier the better (unless were talking about your butthole and then much much worse). You wont need to join a gym or hire a personal trainer because you will be doing more than enough running all on your own…..straight to the bathroom.

Brain burn

Apparently there was a firewall on my work computer blocking me from viewing some unauthorized sites (not porn you freaks). Being the most technologically challenged person I know, I had to look up what a firewall was. In case you are also operating on limited brain cells, it is ”any barrier that is intended to thwart the spread of a destructive agent”. I started to realize it was also likely that there was a firewall in my brain, in which case the destructive agent needing to be blocked would be important information. Useless information about reality tv, designer clothes/shoes, celebrity gossip, and fun hipster music always find their way through.The only known solution is vyvanse, which in my case is like pouring gasoline on the fire and screaming “we dont want no water let that mother f’er burn”! (I love The Bloodhound Gang).

In any case, ADHD is just a nice way of saying you are pretty cute for a retard, and I am ok with that. It beats the alternative, which is that I have the mentally transmitted disease of neuroherpatitis, aka brain herpes. It definitely burns when I try to think and I have been reckless in my youth by engaging in a lot of unprotected mind fucking…. with various partners….sometimes at the same time.

When someone says they are going to “blow your mind” be careful…they might actually set that shit on fire!

Whiz or whiz out…

The only thing more delicious than Liberty’s authentic Philly cheese steaks, is the owner himself. Although there are only a handful of items on the menu, ordering can be challenging while admiring his rugged good looks.

Having lived in Philly I decided long ago I would never eat a cheesesteak anywhere else. Every place claims to be “real” but anyone who knows a real cheese steak knows that it a) MUST be on an Amoroso roll and b) MUST have whiz. Provolone and American should not even be in your vocabulary.

When I heard a new place opened just a few blocks from me and the owners were actually from Philly I was excited but didn’t want to get my hopes up too high because I have been let down too many times. Would they have Amoroso’s or would they try and pass off the most delicious of sandwiches on a po’ boy? Would their steak be cut in perfectly sized peices, and would their cheese of choice be whiz? Yes, yes, and yes!!! (which is also hopefully what said owner will hear me screaming later).

Unfortunately I can’t have cheese steaks anymore thanks to my good old pal Celiac…but I can have the proprietor of steaks..and I will take him whiz or whiz out.